A while ago, I wrote an entry titled, Release? And I just recently skimmed through it. The most exaggerated things do come out when your upset. I am sorry to him, not that he will ever read it, to trying to address he is some kind of heartless monster. Which was completely unnecessary and immature. He is not that horrible man I have said he was, he is just a man, with three girls, a hard life, and a broken heart. I’ve realized the selfish ways I’ve treated him, and I always knew the look in his eyes. He can get like me, easily bothered, and annoying to others from than, but that’s humaine. Which I cannot believe I just understood. I do still think the parenting could be approved, since it is a bit ridiculous, but I feel like that is affected by my actions, along with my sisters. I did not mean to bash on him, and i’m sorry. I’ve seen his eyes, just as I’ve seen mine.
Do you know that feeling in your throat, when your holding back a cry? Is it sort of like gaining strength? It could be like working a muscle, since it does sort of cause pain. Do you know the feeling?
I’d just like to say on a more serious note, I have extremely confused emotions. I am scared for your death, because I love you. I know your a strong woman, but if you need to go, it’s fine with me. There is no way you have not filled every one with happiness that you know, and I really hope you can understand that. Don’t think it’s that I have given up on you, or you have given up on us, it’s your relief. I will never say that I won’t miss you, because that could never be the truth. I am scared for what will happen in the end, but I know you would like me to be happy, I can be. I will try to be. I have been, and I won’t say this won’t affect me because my happiness is in another state of mind for you. My mind is mixed whether or not I should hope for you to live, because I know that means you will struggle for longer. I obviously do not want you to go, but I do want you to be this way. In the end I guess my mindset will be for you to be relieved of any pain, and that all happiness is finally brought to you. Because not only I know, that you deserve all you have given.
Sorry I haven’t been updating lately. I’ve been figuring all of everything out, and basically.. My life has gotten a thousand times better. I feel more focused on so much. The way i’m treated is improving, and the way I treat myself, has been more focused on the little things that I can do. I can honestly say, a smile has been on my face. I probably can also say, it is mostly thanks to you, you helped me help myself.
Have you ever been so scared to lose the person you love most? The one who makes you happy? The one you need? If you love someone, let them go. But I can’t. I’m shaking. I’m terrified. I’m acting strange. I’m really not sure, how I can control myself from anything at all.