So. Here’s another chapter to my English Project, about my Abuela.
I remember the first he said it, “Abuela is in the hospital for a pneumonia.” Abuela is my grandma, and even though she does not physically walk with us on this planet today, she is, and always will be my grandma, my Abuela. She had come back that time, well enough to stay over for a few nights, than again, she was written into the hospital. Leaving there again, bravely taking the ride to Commack around new years.
Before that, we made it there for Christmas. She laughed, and joked with us, nearly forgetting her breaths to do so were taken by an oxygen tank. Although.. It was she, strongly, sucking them in. New years. That was the last day I saw her, before she went back home, and slowly her body reached its way to the hospital. I’ve visited her previous times, having to wear the protection mask, I still have. I remember, I though that day I might lose her. My father, prompting my sister and me. How she would be out of her pain. I remember that day, the day my father was as fragile as a piece of paper. He was stepped on, crumpled. Crying in my older sisters’ arms and mine. Begging for our strength, and warmth.
So than came the day they told us. She had breast cancer, once again. Having gone through cancer twice before. Abuela didn’t deserve it. Back, and forth, undeserved. She will always be the sweetest woman I’ll ever know. No one could even compare to the strength she obtained. After entering the hospital, she was freed. I think of it as if she doesn’t have to suffer any longer. She passed, soundless, and calm, as my father explained. They said they ate Chinese food, had conversations, till they took the oxygen away for her to rest. It was January 23rd, 2010. Paloma, my sister sisters’, birthday. Rest well Abuela, you will always be in my heart, and thank you, for everything. Every smile you gave me, and every laugh that I had. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you in the end.
I love the rain.
I really love it.
But, once something upsetting occurs.
I hate the rain.
The rain depresses me.
Its cold, and wetness.
The wind.. Banging against my window.
I couldn’t sleep,
With out thinking of you.
Thinking about everything.
I miss you, I miss everything.
This coldness, and wetness,
Are making me tear.
This is my main conflict.. Once again, I’ll edit it later.
This realization is for you. I was wrong, and yes, this is how I plan to say I’m sorry. I will somehow build up the strength to give this to you, knowing how it may affect us, hopefully.. in a positive way. I hurt you. Me, and my sister’s, we hurt you. I don’t know about either of they’re feelings, but I know I am sorry. I was wrong, but now I’m right. I see the hurt in your eyes, the pain that you feel. The pain. It whiffs off of you, like a perfume. The perfume. It stings my eyes; it’s been making me tear. I don’t say this enough, but I love you.
I’ve been so far-sighted. Not seeing what was so close, clearly enough. I used to call you a jerk, a real ass hole. I used to make myself believe that I should run away, and that I needed to run away, to be happy. Stupid. I was stupid. I was wrong. I was immature. Fakely depressed.. but now when I see you the depression becomes real. I can’t see your faces like this anymore. I can’t let you wear that perfume any longer. I don’t know how to stop it. I’m too weak to stop it..
So, for English, we’re being required to write a story about or issues, and situations that’s made us, us today. This is basically my intro so far with out editing.. I’ll probably end up editing it here later.
Is, Izzy, Isabella, me. Basically, I’m the middle child, of two sisters, but that’s beside the point. I’m growing up. I’m realizing situations from my past that I knew I’d never wish to admit I was wrong about. I’m even realizing my selfish-ness, and immaturity. Although! That’s pretty different now, I feel so much more in understanding of what’s going on. Sure, to the rest of this bland town, I’m different. Scene girl, emo girl, these names because of my clothes, music style, interests, and basically.. they’re blindness to diversity. I’m Isabella, and this is me. The 14 going on 15, ninth grade student. Every person has words behind they’re eyes, and stories in their tears. I’m here to apologize, realize, and remember. Happiness is taken for granted, life is wasted, but I wont waste mine, being in denial of reality. It’s not as if we are like cats, for us, there is only one jump to the end. So I, myself.. don’t plan to walk to the ledge with out enjoying the walk there. Although first, I will make sure my risks, aren’t too risky, and my shoes.. Are just a little too big to fit my feet. I’ll have a challenge, till one day, they’ll fit just fine.
I never loved nobody fully Always one foot on the ground And by protecting my heart truly I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind All these voices I hear in my mind all these words I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart And it breaks my heart And it breaks my heart It breaks my heart
And suppose I never ever met you Suppose we never fell in love Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft Suppose I never ever saw you Suppose we never ever called Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall Just to break my fall Just to break my fall Break my fall Break my fall
All my friends say that of course its gonna get better Gonna get better Better better better better Better better better
I never love nobody fully Always one foot on the ground And by protecting by heart truly I got lost In the sounds I hear in my mind All these voices I hear in my mind all these words I hear in my mind All this music And it breaks my heart It breaks my heart
I hear in my mind all of these voices I hear in my mind all of these words I hear in my mind all of this music